Building Character
Helping your child develop a sense of right and wrong is one of the toughest jobs you have. But the result is amazing: A child with integrity.
Maria, 5, is in the midst of a playdate with her pal, Leslie. Maria's mother sets them up with paper and markers on the drawing table in Maria's playroom, then leaves the room for a few minutes. When she returns, she sees that someone has drawn all over the wall with blue marker. It was Maria – who knows very well she's not supposed to do this. Will she own up and tell her mom what she did? Will she point the finger at her friend? Or will she simply remain silent?
Maria faces a choice. The choice she makes reveals character, which Maria's mother has been helping her daughter develop by talking to her about consequences and telling the truth. In this case, Maria admits that she drew on the wall and her mom takes away the markers for the rest of the day.
Trying to avoid the consequences of bad behavior (losing the markers) is normal. But it's up to you to guide your child, offering critical lessons when the stakes are still low, and instilling a foundation that will stay strong when the stakes get steeper. Think ahead: Will your 8 year old tell you that he has a book report due tomorrow when his favorite television show is about to start? Will your preteen follow her friend's suggestion to pocket a candy bar at the store? Will your teenager get in the car with the driver he knows has been drinking? All these are choices, and the choices your child makes are determined by the character she has developed over the years. As your child ages, you'll want to know that the lessons you've taught will stand up.
What Is Character?
Correcting Misconceptions
Building Character Every Day
What Is Character?
Good character means knowing what the right thing to do is and having the strength of one's convictions. It means even having convictions. It means having the personal integrity and wherewithal to act on those convictions. Mary Pipher, the author of several books including The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families and Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, defines character as "that within a person which governs moral choices ... it is teaching the young to make wise and kind choices."
This may seem a lofty ideal when you're talking about a preschooler who's naughtily drawn on the wall, but really it's not. Starting these lessons early in life is the best way to instill character. The goal is for your child to have an ingrained sense of right and wrong.
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Correcting Misconceptions
Here are three common mistakes to avoid:
- "Buying" Good Behavior: Rewards
How we choose to handle misbehavior will directly affect character. How many times have you followed the advice to reward good behavior? It's a quick and easy method for improving behavior. Without question, both discipline and character are about doing right things. Character, however, runs deeper than surface "good behavior." You of course want your child to do the right thing – share his toys, say "please" and "thank you," and so on. However, the reason why he chooses to do the right thing is equally as important as what he chooses to do. When you offer rewards for good behavior, he gets the idea that he should choose the right thing in order to get the reward. It's the "What's in it for me?" principle. What you really want is for your child to choose to do right simply and only because it is right. You should share because sharing is a good thing. This is the measure of good character. You can buy good behavior with rewards, but you can't buy good character. That has to be taught on its own merits.
The "Special" Trap
Of course every parent believes her child is special! But think about the definition of special: It means above, more. So really, when you tell your child she's special, you're telling her she's above everyone else, and that's neither true nor fair nor right. When your child hears over and over again that she is special, she begins to feel entitled, that she's "above the law." A better lesson? Telling your child she's unique. There's no one else like your child — surely that's true — and being unique means she has great value in the world. And so do all the other children around her; there's a level playing field. Too often, believing that one is special transforms into rudeness and disregard for others and the rules.
Lack of Accountability
Accountability — which means taking ownership of one's behavior and its consequences — is fundamental to discipline, responsibility, self-esteem, and character development. Lack of accountability contributes hugely to the crisis in character. But can it be that, as parents, we are unwittingly avoiding teaching our children to be accountable? You've heard this advice before: When your child misbehaves, you're being kind by saying, "I love you, but I don't love it when you hit your little brother." It's the "separation of deed and doer" technique, and if you use it, you are encouraging your child to be less than accountable. Think about it: If your child has the choice between owning up to what she's done, including all its consequences, or being "separate" from her behavior (which translates into being un-accountable), she'll choose being separate — just as adults will do. Indeed, discipline is never about what we like or love, it's about right and wrong.
Building Character Every Day
It is important and possible to build your children's character through everyday life experience, right from birth. The best teachable moments occur when your child has made a mistake or behaved badly. Don't throw these moments away because you're tired or in a hurry. The earlier the lesson occurs, the less painful it will be for your child.
Lesson 1: Teach "act right, feel right; act wrong, feel wrong."
It's age-old wisdom, but it still holds true. For example, your 4 year old is playing with a friend, and yanks a toy out of that friend's hand. The friend cries, and your child begins to feel bad. You can ask him why he thinks his friend is crying, and help him understand that his own bad feelings come from the fact that he did something wrong. Ask him if he can think of anything to do to make things right. If he can't come up with anything, lead him to making amends.
To truly be responsible and accountable for his actions, your child has to own all his behavior, even the bad stuff. It won't hurt his self-esteem to feel bad when he's done something wrong. Indeed, these bad feelings are what will prod him not to repeat the action. Better behavior allows him more comfort with himself.
Lesson 2. Pain is "in the soil" of character growth.
No parent enjoys seeing a child feel badly, but it is through pain that conscience and character emerge. Going to great lengths so that your child never feels bad or sad is misguided. As much as you might want to, you can't shield your child from emotional pain. Say your 7 year old comes to you, in tears, because her beloved goldfish has died — because she didn't feed it. Try not to try to minimize her responsibility. It hurts, but that's what will help her avoid even greater pain as she ages, because she will never make that same mistake again. If you try too hard to ease this pain, you're denying her the opportunity to learn a lesson about character.
Lesson 3: Making the right choice feels great.
Be on the lookout for times when your child has done the right thing (such as when Maria admitted that she drew on the wall). Recognize that it is tough to choose to do the right thing. Use these opportunities to ask your child how he feels having made that choice. Children need our help to focus on long-term feelings and outcomes rather than just the short-term ones. Later, the choices will get even harder – missing a party to study for a test, inviting an unpopular child to join his play.
Lesson 4: Teach, recognize, and label virtues.
Even adults now seem to have trouble naming virtues other than honesty, responsibility, and patience. Knowing what some virtues are — and labeling them for our kids when we see them in action — is a great lesson. Virtues are skills that not only enhance our lives but also improve the lives of others. They include prudence, fortitude, loyalty, dependability, justice, impartiality, agreeableness, humility, and temperance. When your child wants to quit gymnastics, and you insist that she continue through the 10-week cycle, you teach fortitude. When you have a group of children wait together for a second helping of snack, you teach justice, patience, and temperance.
Lesson 5: Listen, talk, and share.
If you want your children to know your values, spend time listening to them, and having them listen to you. The best place to do that is at the dinner table, so make it a priority for the family to have the evening meal together as many times as possible during the week. (If busy schedules get in the way, it's time to start thinking about cutting out some activities.) Find out what your kids think about important things. Listen and learn. Tell stories about others and about yourself; let your children know who you are and where you come from. Then listen closely to what they think about what you said.
Lesson 6: Watch your own behavior.
Modeling behavior is an incredibly powerful teaching tool. "Do as I say, not as I do" has never worked. You are being watched all the time. Do the right thing. Decide who you are. Decide who your family is and what its core values are. Decide what is acceptable and what must be addressed and changed. Each and every day, teach lessons with love, discipline, stories, conversation, books, and your own actions – whatever you can find and whatever it takes. G. K. Chesterton wrote that "Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere." Draw the line for your kids. It may be some of the finest "art" you ever do.
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