A Brave New World
Going from top dog on the block to new puppy is tough on tweens. Know what to expect and how to lend support.
While my own middle school experience may have been uniquely mortifying for me — I was unceremoniously and publicly kicked out of the “cool” group of girls — there is nothing unique about middle school humiliation. Now, we watch with trepidation as our kids transition from the safe cocoon of elementary school to the mouth of the dragon, middle school. “It’s the way it is and always has been,” says Ellen Sachs Alter, a family psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. “This is a developmentally appropriate experience with insecurity.” In other words, we got through it — and they will too. But what do parents and kids need to know in order to make this necessarily insecure time a bit more bearable, and even help the kids thrive?
Conformity Rules
The Perils of Puberty
It’s All About Change
Conformity Rules
For middle schoolers, embarrassment is the operative word. Everything embarrasses them at this age and everyone is desperately trying to be like everyone else. When Jonah, my then-11 year old, was getting his hair cut before entering middle school, I instructed the hairstylist to “cut it like all the other 11-year-old boys.” Which, that year anyway, seemed to be an almost Beatle-like mop-top.
But even with cool hair, it’s not easy going from being “top dog” at your elementary school to the youngest in the middle school, many kids report. Says Aziza, age 11, “It feels diminishing to go from the very top to the very bottom of everything.” David, age 12, says wistfully, “In elementary school it was okay to be a little weird. In middle school, if you want to be cool you can’t act weird. There’s pressure to look like and be like everybody else.”
Not only are new middle schoolers suddenly the youngest, they are most likely in a much bigger school with lots of kids they’ve never met before. “The kids who tend to be social increase their circle very quickly,” says Lisa Weitzman, a middle school guidance counselor in Fairfield County, Connecticut. “Others have a hard time navigating how to make new friends from such a big field. It provokes a lot of anxiety: Am I in? Am I out? Am I cool?”
Ah, the elusive “cool.” Inextricably linked, of course, with popularity. But what are the qualities that make kids popular or cool? The answer can be baffling for upcoming middle schoolers: They arrive at a new school with new kids and a completely new social code, which can feel as hard to unlock as those seemingly impenetrable combination lockers.
One thing that hasn’t changed since our youth: there is still a strong tie between athleticism and popularity. Says Philip, 11, “If kids are popular, there’s an assumption they’re good at sports.” Dina, 12, adds, “And ‘followers’ will do whatever the popular kids say to be liked by them.” Another thing that hasn’t changed through the years: Looks still matter. Twelve-year-old Aimee describes the popular girls as “the pretty, skinny ones with the perfect hair and clothes.”
Weitzman says there is also an unfortunate but undeniable tie-in between popularity and material possessions. “A lot of kids feel they need to have the latest and greatest clothing and technology to fit in,” she says. “Kids who struggle financially feel they have an added challenge, because they can’t afford the hip boots or the hottest gadget and everyone else has them.” But just as you didn’t buy every toy they begged for when they were younger, the argument that “everyone else has one!” or “everyone else wears them!” only goes as far as you let it. Keep in mind, “everyone” has a relative meaning in the hyperbolic vernacular of middle school.
But there is some good news: “It is cool to be smart now, which is such a nice shift,” reports Weitzman. The advent of technology and the central role of computers in the lives of today’s kids means that those who are technologically skilled are admired by their peers, rather than scorned — like the straight-A geek who knew how to run the AV machines back in the 1970s.
The Perils of Puberty
Stacy Nockowitz, who has taught middle school language arts over the past 10 years in New York, Massachusetts, and now Columbus, Ohio, says the one constant is that the transition to middle school seems to be harder on girls. “Girls are extremely self-conscious,” she says. “What others feel about them matters more than what they feel about themselves, and this comes through in everything they do. Boys seem to let things roll off them more easily.”
And it goes without saying that boys and girls start to look at each other differently in middle school. Puberty and changing hormones begin having an effect, and this is the time when “couples” start forming. I use that term loosely because, as Nockowitz puts it, “the boyfriend-girlfriend situation changes every couple of weeks.” Weitzman says with some amusement, “Dating consists of IMing. They don’t even really talk to each other at school, or sit with each other at lunch.” And there’s still a huge range in early middle school, with kids who are interested in the opposite sex at one end and kids who couldn’t be less interested at the other.
“Puberty’s impact cannot be overestimated,” says psychologist Ellen Alter. “The age-old adage about puberty wreaking havoc is true. But the physiological changes that are going on are part of a complete web — biological, psychological, emotional, cognitive. It’s impossible to separate it out.” She points out that kids are typically so self-conscious at that age anyway, and that body changes bring feelings of “sheer mortification.”
You can help by reassuring your child that this is all normal, and by trying to be a sea of calm for her tempest-tossed soul. “Adults should not overreact through something that is inherently tumultuous,” says Alter. And no matter how strange and new puberty may feel, kids usually find comfort in numbers, so remind yours that she’s far from alone. Says Aimee of getting her period for the first time, “If your friends are going through it with you, that makes it better.”
Puberty also brings emotional changes that you need to be ready for. For example, your easygoing son may begin to have moods that change like the wind; your daughter, who had been happy to hang out with the family after school may start to retreat to her room with the door closed. This is all to be expected, provided it is not taken to extremes.
It’s All About Change
New middle schoolers are walking contradictions: They are still children, but they are starting to look more like adults. They like the comfort of their families, but also crave independence and privacy. They are trying to find out who they are, but at the same time are desperate to be like everyone else. “It’s such a tough transition,” says Nockowitz. “Size, achievement, looks, all matter so much more in middle school than they did in elementary school.”
As we parents helplessly watch our rapid descent on the cool-o-meter, we see a correlating rise in the importance of peers. Or, as Arlene Erlbach puts it in The Middle School Survival Guide, “If you’re like most kids, people your own age are key to your existence.” Kids start to spend more time on the phone, and IMing is hugely popular. Just as with any other aspect of technology (computers, video games, TV), you need to set time limits for these activities and stick to them. “Make sure your child knows what to expect ahead of time,” advises Weitzman. “If you try to create rules in the midst of a situation, they’ll be ineffective.”
Remember that even if your kids seem to be pushing you away, they still want you to stay connected, and they still want to know that you’re in control. “Keep being responsive, keep being there, even if it feels like it’s falling flat — this is so reassuring for kids,” advises Alter. “Don’t downplay the reality of what they’re going through, but tell your kids they’ll get through it and feel competent that they did.” My resident expert, Jonah, recalls that during his first weeks of middle school, “I didn’t know what to expect, what to do, how to act.” Now considerably more comfortable, he offers his best advice in retrospect: “Be who you are and find people who are similar.”
Like Jonah, we all figure it out. I somehow survived middle school with my soul and self-esteem intact — and the mean girls? One of them apologized to me at our 20th high school reunion. Better late than never, I guess.
