You Can Do It!
It resonates with every parent: How can we help our children grow up to be happy, and able to bounce back from disappointments, even tragedies? We Americans are especially comfortable with the notion of inoculating our children against the risk of succumbing to emotionally trying times. So when a generation ago, several mental health researchers turned their attention from studying mental illness to focus on emotional resilience, the change was welcomed, especially by parents.
Instead of focusing on mental misery and behavioral breakdown, these researchers began to examine happiness and resilience, asking why — even against great odds — certain people manage to achieve both. The hope: If we can isolate the origins of positive thinking and determination, in the face of poor odds, we will be better able to protect our children from life's slings and arrows.
Few, if any, members of the child mental health professions had talked about enhancing resilience before the 1970s; but faith in this enterprise has surged over the last 30 years. While the earliest studies focused on children born into adverse circumstances, the recent spate of disasters, from natural ones to the man-made Oklahoma City and September 11 bombings, further energized the quest. Today, as I write this, Googling "resilience in childhood" elicits 6,080,000 references, and that number seems to be growing daily. Can any of this gargantuan body of theorizing and research help us with our wish to raise happy and successful kids? My all-American optimism says "Yes!" — with just a few provisos. Let's consider the gist of what resilience researchers have concluded so far.
After following a large group of children from the embryonic stage to their mid-thirties, researchers in a project headed by Dr. Emmy Werner of the University of California at Davis revealed that more than a third of "at risk" kids acquired the self confidence to do well in school, in social life, and later in love and in work. This success was in spite of such significant obstacles as prenatal problems, discordant home lives, poverty, and significant personal loss. Similar or even better odds emerged from other studies.
And so the resilience researchers began to ask why. For if they could determine the protective factors the successful kids shared, those could be imparted to many more at-risk children — maybe even all children, preventively. Careful observation led to a formula: Protective factors minus risk factors predict the likelihood of being a resilient child and adult.
The protective factors that stand out are easy temperament and reliable social support. From babyhood on, resilient children are likely to:
- be sociable, attentive, curious, and responsive to others
- be of at least average intelligence and able to focus on assigned tasks
- score high on critical thinking
- know how to ask for help when they need it, especially in school
- have a hobby, special interest, or skill that elicits recognition from teachers and friends
- simply be appealing kids; their ability to make and keep friends is paramount.
But the most significant buffer has turned out to be these resilient children's own conviction that they will surmount any odds against them. Such optimism is almost always inspired by someone who believes in the child, no matter what. So, the foremost protective factor is having a champion — someone in their lives with untouchable faith in their capacity to survive and succeed. Ideally, that someone is a parent; but a grandparent, older sibling, aunt, uncle, neighbor, or teacher can fill the role too. Very often, in looking back, adolescents and adults who succeeded despite challenging odds credit an elementary school teacher who was there to listen to them and hear them, a teacher who insisted, "You can do it!" and "I will be there to help you, so don't despair." (These children didn't necessarily receive high grades from this teacher, but they did enjoy a relaxed, informal relationship with her.) It wasn't only the most appealing children who managed to secure the necessary support, although being appealing made it easier to find a mentor.
Having a parent be an at-risk child's champion has many advantages. In most cases, a parent has been there from the beginning; and the earlier the consistently supportive person has been there, the better the outlook for the child. What matters most is the champion's unwavering support from day one. That doesn't mean an easygoing acceptance of any and all behavior. On the contrary, high expectations involve high standards; but the champion also displays infinite optimism and patience. So the essential finding from the resilience research is that every child needs to be special to at least one other person. That's what evokes the hope that endures, despite the worst possible odds of severe illness, abuse, and poverty or a societal disaster, as well as any of the lesser challenges that everyone encounters while growing up.
One cautionary note: Believing that your own happiness and success, or your children's, is entirely in your own hands may impose an undue burden. What's more, it won't work any more than telling our kids: "Be happy or else!" or "Get a grip!" That's not helpful.
Biological traits play a significant role in a child's becoming resilient and happy. Biology need not be destiny, but we ought to acknowledge that it plays a role. Researchers are currently examining neurobiological factors affecting resilience, in the hopes of integrating them with the environmental evidence already gathered. This should enable us to help those with genetic, as well as social or developmental, odds against them. Maybe everyone can be happy and resilient somehow, but for some, it demands more of an uphill effort. Recognizing that both temperament and social support are important can only help us to boost the resilience rate for all children. And they deserve that.
Adele M. Brodkin, Ph.D., is a psychologist, consultant, and author of many books, including Fresh Approaches to Working With Problematic Behavior and Raising Happy and Successful Kids: A Guide for Parents. In addition, she has written and produced award-winning educational videos.
