Readiness Rules
Gauge your child's growing self-reliance.
Each child develops at his own pace. Letting yours take on new responsibilities or try challenging tasks is a matter of knowing his individual abilities and personality. To help you identify when your child is prepared for another step toward independence, review these tips based on advice from Adele M. Brodkin, Ph.D.
Is your child ready to…
Walk to school by himself? Where you live is as much a factor as your child's age and maturity. Learn the facts about safety in your neighborhood. Have there been traffic accidents or crimes you should worry about? Walk the route with your child at the times of day he would use it. Feel out the distance. Check that there are sidewalks and safe street crossings manned by crossing guards or stoplights and signs. Then consider whether your child will act responsibly when he walks with his schoolmates. Does he respect traffic and safety rules? Is he usually dependable? Does he understand that he has to arrive at school and home by a certain time? If you decide he may be ready, do several practice runs together. Eventually let him walk ahead while you follow at a short distance. Then allow him to go the whole way solo.
Pack her own lunch? Some children are ready to take on this task at 7 or 8 years old. Before she's ready, your child must be able to make appropriate food choices, so that she won't be eating four cupcakes and a dry bagel for lunch. See how she does when you give her specific options. Rather than asking what she wants for lunch, ask her to choose tuna, turkey, or peanut butter for a sandwich. Let her pick snacks from categories such as fruit and sugary or salty treats. After giving her the options, let her prepare her lunch box on her own. Check over her choices for a couple of weeks until you know she can do it completely on her own.
Make his own breakfast? As with lunch, a reliable 1st grader can take some responsibility for this meal. By 7 years old, your child will be able to handle uncooked breakfast foods including cereal with milk, juice, fruit, or yogurt. He also needs to understand that preparing breakfast also means cleaning up afterwards. If your child is in upper elementary school, he might be ready to prepare foods using the toaster or microwave. Watch him as he learns to use these until you’re confident that he can handle them on his own.
Make her own after-school plans? Generally, children as young as 5 years old can share in the planning of their day. In early grades, your child can help plan her time and make choices such as whether she does her homework before or after going outside to play. Let your child plan a play date, but follow up with the other child’s parents to make sure that they know the plans and that there will be proper supervision. At any age (even high school), let your child know how you can be reached at all times, and insist on the same in return.
Use the stove? Do not allow your child to use the stove unsupervised until adolescence. Even then, he should only use it after you're sure he understands operating and safety instructions, and you know you can rely on him to be vigilant.
Use the microwave? Your upper-elementary and middle-schooler will probably be ready to use the microwave, but first give her thorough instruction and plenty of opportunities to use it under your supervision. Be sure she knows what can and cannot be put into the microwave (e.g., never anything metal; only food that needs to be heated).
Do his homework without help? Ideally, your child will be able to do his homework on his own from the start of his schooling. You should be available to answer occasional questions, express pride, and offer encouragement. At every grade level, you may need to start the year by checking your child’s work. After that, use your judgment about how diligent, organized, and conscientious your child is before giving up the routine checks.
Dress herself? Usually it's a good idea to get clothes ready the night before (with alternatives subject to the weather). Starting from when she is in preschool or kindergarten, let your child help choose the next day's outfit: “What do you think would be a good color to wear tomorrow? Do you think sandals or sneakers are better?” Presenting options helps her learn to make appropriate decisions. It lets your child exercise independence while still ensuring that she's not wearing a tutu and furry bear slippers to school.
Choose his own extracurricular activities? Deciding to practice karate, take up the piano, or join the drama club is a choice you and your child should make together. At the start of the year, discuss which organized after-school activities your child wants to join and which ones you think he should try. From the earliest years in school, listen to him. Give him a strong vote in which activities he commits to. And let him have veto power if he decides to quit an activity (unless it is required tutoring or another treatment recommended by his school or an outside expert). Before investing time and money, ask if your child can have a trial period of one or two sessions to see if the activity suits his abilities and interests.
Choose her own books for out-of-school reading? Starting in preschool, encourage your child to pick out books she wants to read (or have you read to her). Letting her select reading materials will help her think of reading as a fun activity that belongs to her. To ensure that she is reading appropriate material, start by limiting her selection to what's offered at the library. Let her choose two titles from the section that has books for her age. In elementary school, have her choose books from the school library or Book Club flyer. From upper-elementary years and on, be alert to the books she buys or borrows on her own. In an open, non-judgmental way, ask whether she's enjoying the read and what the book is about. The bottom line: tune in respectfully.
Care for the family pet? It's best never to leave your child solely responsible for the care of an animal. Don't adopt a pet on the condition that he will take care of it on his own. But you can expect him to lend a hand. Give him specific responsibilities that are appropriate for his skills: your preschooler can bring you the empty food dish to fill, while your upper-elementary or middle-schooler can walk the dog. To be sure that your child will be ready to take on more responsibility as he matures, have him watch or help you do harder tasks like cleaning the fish tank.
Go to a sleepover? Your child's individual temperament is key to deciding whether she's ready for a sleepover. You can probably let her give it a try at age 7 or 8, but don't be discouraged if it doesn't go perfectly the first time. Ideally, the first sleepover will be at the home of a family member or friend who is geographically as well as personally close to you. The spot should be a short walk or drive away since you may need to make a 2:00 a.m. pick up if your child decides the sleepover is not for her.
Take a bath or shower alone? Ease your child through several degrees of "alone." Start with letting your preschooler wash himself while you supervise him in the tub. The next step is to leave him unsupervised, but keep the door unlocked and check on him every few minutes. Before adolescence, your child will certainly be showering alone — and eventually you'll move on to the "You're taking another shower?!" stage.
Supervise her younger siblings? The rule "know your child" is critical here. Some (not all) early teens can be counted on to responsibly watch siblings. However, even if your pre-teen baby-sits for other families, she may not be ready to watch her "annoying baby brother and sister" who scratch her CDs, embarrass her at the mall, and compete for your attention.
Learn how to ride a bike? Start your child off on a two-wheeler with training wheels. Between the ages of 5 and 7, you may get the feeling that he is ready to take off the training wheels. If your child agrees, give it a try. Don't force him to take the next step, but try to make him feel secure by picking a spot where there will be no traffic or obstacles and where you'll be able to catch him if he falls.
Take responsibility for the contents of her backpack? Your child may think of her backpack as a garbage pail, zoo, garden, or secret storehouse. Teaching her to clean out and organize her bag is an important lesson. Start to model it in the earliest years by doing a backpack check together once or twice a week. To keep yourself from being overly critical, clean out your own handbag while she checks her backpack. As she starts to learn how to pack and empty out her bag, you can take a less hands-on approach by just asking if she's done her backpack check for the week.
Write thank-you notes? Start as soon as your child is old enough to understand the concept of gifts. Even if he can't sign his name, let him draw a picture in the card that you write. Make this a natural response anytime you or your child receives a gift. Turn it into a habit so that by high school, all you'll have to do is gently, respectfully remind your child to send grandma a thank-you note.
Begin exercising/lifting weights? Exercise should be a part of your child's life from early childhood on. Encourage her to play active games in school, at the playground, on play dates, etc. In supervised gym classes, your school-age child should be learning about fitness and may start training or doing practice drills for various sports. She should never lift weights at any age without supervision and guidance from a trained athletic coach. Check with your pediatrician before approving any weight training. As she grows, be sure that she maintains a healthy balance of physical activity and good nutrition so she will be less likely to fall into a sedentary lifestyle or a pattern of obsessive exercise to lose weight.
