Mother and Child Reunions
Reconnecting with your child after preschool can be just as traumatic — or meaningful — as the morning drop-off. Here's how to make it work for both of you.
It broke my heart. Off I'd rush every afternoon to pick up my daughter from preschool, but the moment she saw me, her demeanor changed. Ryan, then 4, went from playing joyfully in the schoolyard to directing angry screams at me. "I hate you, I hate you," she'd yell. This agonizing behavior lasted for several weeks, though it felt like an eternity to me.
Looking back now (a few years later), the cause of the problem seems obvious. Ryan's world had drastically changed and she was mad. With the birth of her baby sister — my third child — I quit working full time. Our beloved babysitter was suddenly out of a job and Ryan had a whole new routine. It's no wonder my little girl felt so out of control!
Young children learn all kinds of coping strategies during the preschool years, says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist at the Mailman Segal Institute for Early Childhood Studies in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Acting out is one way to communicate complex feelings. "I hate you!" really means, "This is hard for me. I need your help."
"School makes many self-control kinds of demands on children," Glasser explains. "Kids are expected to stand in line, keep their hands to themselves, and follow directions. When Mom or Dad finally appears, the child can relax. Some fall apart. Some whine. Some let loose in other ways."
To ease the transition from school to home, Suzie Isaacs Kohl, a behavioral specialist and author of The Best Things Parents Do, suggests looking at pick-up time as an important reunion. "Whether you've been apart for three hours or eight, it feels really long to your preschooler. Your child has missed you. Show her you're happy to see her," says Kohl.
Glasser, a mother of three children ages 1, 7 and 12, suggests joining your child in whatever she's doing when you arrive at school. "Work with her on the puzzle she's engrossed in or watch her fantasy play. Look around the room and notice any new artwork she's created," Glasser recommends. "All too often our minds are on getting the next task accomplished. Kids pick up on that. Taking a few minutes to show an interest will help her feel connected to you again."
To ease that end-of-day transition with your child, Glasser and Kohl (also a nursery school director in California) offer these tips.
Observe your child carefully and be sensitive to her needs. Everyone responds to "hellos" and "goodbyes" differently, says Glasser. "Some kids hardly look up when a parent enters the room. Others need time and attention right away."
Be the teacher's partner. Ask questions about how your child is transitioning during the day. Be receptive to the teacher's ideas for what you can do at home to help.
Motivate your child to move. "Telling him it's time to go so you can stop at the store to pick up food for dinner just isn't going to resonate," Glasser says. "Offering to watch a video together when you get home or suggesting a brief stop at the playground will."
Don't plan anything right after school. Glasser says all children need downtime before the next activity. "Running errands isn't a good idea, especially if you sense that your child is tired. Having predictable afternoons can be a comfort."
Demonstrate that listening to your child is important. "If your daughter wants to talk about her day, pay attention. If it's something important — like a fight with a friend — you might even pull the car over so you can really hear what she has to say," Kohl suggests.
Once at home, prioritize. Both Glasser and Kohl agree that nothing is more important than spending time with your child. "The laundry, the telephone, and getting dinner started can wait. After school, go home and play with your child for a few minutes," Glasser says. Kohl points out that connecting with your child happens most easily through an enjoyable activity. "Your evening will go better if it starts off with a little fun first," she says.
Gain insight through play. Preschoolers have a rich imagination. Tapping into that can give you insight to what's going on in his head. "For example, have your child be the mommy and you be the child leaving school for the day. Pretending is a safe, non-threatening way to work through feelings," says Glasser.
Promote routines at home. Consistency makes children feel secure; having security prepares them to handle the many transitions of the day.
Validate your child's feelings, whatever they are. "If he's upset, don't tell him there's nothing to cry about,'" Kohl advises. "Say, 'I can see you're sad and I'm sorry.' Supporting your child in this way will reduce his level of stress immediately."
Recognize problem behavior. Kohl says there's a kind of inconsolable crying that needs professional attention. "If you're dealing with a child who falls apart a lot, she may be extremely sensitive or scared. Ask your pediatrician for guidance."
Finally, Kohl likes to evoke the image of the flight attendant. "A flight attendant is a sympathetic person. When you're on the plane and you're afraid, she does what she can to make you feel comfortable," Kohl explains. "But she isn't going to stop the plane from taking off." As a parent, your role is similar. Put safety first, followed closely by security and comfort, and you're on your way.
