Tough Questions for Difficult Times
We asked Dr. Bruce Perry: How do you talk to your young child about war?
Q. Children who see war-related images on TV are asking a lot of questions. How should we deal with them?
A. Give clear and accurate answers. Children find it easier to deal with the known rather than the unknown. It is very important, however, not to overwhelm them with the nonstop discussion provided by the media.
If your child talks about war or Iraq or Saddam Hussein, try to get him to tell you what he thinks. Young children have very little understanding of what this all means. It is more likely that they have many inaccurate ideas — which, in turn, may be the source of unrealistic fears. When you can, try to give direct and concise information.
Q. Some children are not asking questions but seem more anxious than they had been before. Are they experiencing “war worry”?
A. Some specific symptoms of “war worry” include more irritability, difficulties in concentration, or preoccupation with themes related to power, control, and safety. Some children may regress and manifest behaviors that you have not seen for a while, such as tantrums, sleeping in their parents’ bed, and toileting problems. If you sit down and talk with your child, he may minimize any fears or act as if he doesn’t have any concerns. Often children become anxious and are unaware of why. So don’t worry if he can’t tell you. Reassure him that he is safe and that anytime he wants to talk about things that upset him he can come to you. Don’t have long discussions about “the war” — kids under 8 will get little from this.
Q. Teachers and parents mention seeing more gun- and swordplay. Should we discourage it?
A. Increased play with weapons is not surprising when the general atmosphere for a child is increasingly alarming. The most dominant images and techniques for protection and safety that our children have been exposed to come from the pervasive media images of martial arts and weapons. When a child cannot regulate his use of these toys, or when he uses them in inappropriate ways, limiting access would be a reasonable choice.
Fantasy play in an atmosphere of unpredictability or fear will have more use of hero and heroine characters. Books, films, toys, and art that depict “good guys” will be more compelling to young children. Remember, children are powerless. It helps them feel safer if they can create fantasy worlds where they have control and power. The key is moderation.
Bring true heroes and heroines into talks with your child to show how courage, persistence, patience, words, and nonviolent actions led to victory. The more we expose our children to problem-solving behaviors other than violence, the more likely they are to see that the best solutions come from forming relationships and alliances, from persuasion and understanding—not intolerance, fear, attacking, and conquering.
Q. As hard as we try, sometimes our own anxieties come across. Children sense this, don’t they?
A. Children are emotional barometers. If the adults in a child’s life are anxious, preoccupied, or distressed, chances are a child will perceive this. And, when a child feels this persistent, low-level alarm, behavior will change accordingly. The anxious child will think and act in a less mature fashion and be more difficult to teach and parent.
Remember, our children live in a small world — home, school, and neighborhood. They will better adapt and be more productive and creative if we keep their small world safe, consistent, and nurturing.
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., is Medical Director for Provincial Programs in Children’s Mental Health for Alberta, Canada.
