Break the Communication Logjam
The best way to stay close to a budding teenager? Try books.
These days, parenting a teen feels harder than ever. You aim for connection, yet conversation often disintegrates into confrontation. You try to set reasonable limits, but it's a struggle to make the rules up quickly enough. How can you stay close to a child who is alternately moody, infuriating, and silent? A child for whom the simple question "How was your day?" may be too intrusive?
One way, experts suggest, is through books. "So many parent/child conversations are punctuated by criticism or complaints," says clinical psychologist Melanie Katzman, Ph.D., assistant professor at Weill Cornell Medical School in New York. Or they focus on mundane topics such as household chores or schedules. The trouble is, "What time is hockey practice?" or "Do you think you could clean up your room?" is hardly a conversation starter. But the magazine or book your child has her nose buried in may help you chip through that oh-so-cool, seemingly indifferent façade. The key is to show genuine interest, free of judgment or — heaven forbid — advice, so she wants to share her world with you.
"Preteens and teens really do want to talk to their parents," says Katzman. "Though they may not admit it at first, they actually have a lot questions — about family matters, current events, sex, drugs, the future, what their parents were like at their age. They may worry about world events, family finances, or whether the fights you're having with your spouse will lead to divorce, but they may not know how to bring up those concerns."
What's more, children of all ages — but especially those approaching adolescence — are a cauldron of complex emotions that they may not be able to identify, let alone know what to do with. That's where reading comes in. Books build bridges between people, and reading together is still one of the best ways to impart values as well as share ideas and feelings with your child. The trick is finding a way to get a conversation going. These tips may help:
Remember that bonding with an older child is more complex than with an infant. Very young children drain our stamina; older ones challenge our minds and spirits. However, it's never too late to repair and strengthen a fraying bond and fall in love with your child over and over again. Make it a habit to share your feelings — about your day, how you felt when you were your child's age. The more you talk about yourself, while at the same time expressing a genuine interest in what your child is feeling, the safer she'll feel sharing her thoughts with you.
Grab a book, magazine, or newspaper and read quietly next to your child while she does her homework. You can't legislate closeness, but you can be physically and emotionally available when a taciturn preteen decides to open up. Sometimes, just being quiet together can set the stage for a good chat. So, too, can spending one-on-one time together away from siblings — even if it's just running errands, gardening, or buying ice cream cones after basketball practice. Kids tend to chat more easily when the spotlight isn't on them.
Talk about books you're reading and those you'd like to read. Parents need to inspire, not push. If your child sees you reading and hears you talking about it, she'll be more likely to pick up a book in the first place, as well as share her own ideas. Let her, even if some opinions seem off-the-wall. If she raises a question over dinner that can't be answered easily, take a few minutes to look it up. In this way you're demonstrating that books, and the knowledge they yield, are worth the time.
Ask what's going on in school. Steer clear of questions that can be answered in monosyllables. Aim instead for those that provoke discussion: What authors are you reading in English class? Who is your favorite? How far have you gotten in your unit on the Vietnam War? The more genuinely curious you are about your child's studies, the more she will be.
Read what he's reading. Books allow you to connect with your child in ways that might otherwise feel forced or awkward. If she's reading Catcher in the Rye for English, buy another copy and read along. Discussing Holden Caulfield's dilemmas may lead to an honest, open airing of issues she's wrestling with too. To Kill a Mockingbird might spark a conversation about racism, courage, and standing firm in the face of opposition.
Fill your home with reading material. Magazines, poetry, even crossword-puzzle books count. Don't forget audio books your child might want to listen to in the car or while she's doing chores.
Start reading aloud again. Just because you stopped doesn't mean it has to be gone forever. You may get a few groans, but be persistent. Pick a regular time of day and read for 15 minutes (a chapter at a time of a book that's several notches above your child's own reading level). You'll probably be asked to do more.
Start a book club with your child and other families. The seventh-grader who balks at reading a book may be more inclined to pick it up if friends are doing the same.
