Sorting Out Shyness
Kids can be shy for different reasons, both temperamental and environmental. Look for the reasons behind your child's timidity so you can respond to it.
Having a shy temperament doesn't make lifelong shyness inevitable.
Despite some grumbling, returning to school is a pretty happy event for most children, who are glad to reunite with old friends. For those who are socially timid, on the other hand, going back to school can be unnerving. Children whom we often call "shy" may feel ill at ease even with familiar classmates. And for them, starting fresh in a new school or in a new group with a number of unfamiliar faces can bring considerable strain. In an effort to spare their children the pain of loneliness, parents may try to persuade shy ones to be more bold and confident. But with a truly shy child, that approach is not likely to be effective; in fact it may backfire.
Before considering how parents can help, let's look at the origins of shyness. For insight about it, I always turn to the groundbreaking research of Jerome Kagan. Professor Kagan and his colleagues at Harvard spent many years studying the origins and qualities of being shy. Their work was spurred on by awareness that parents and teachers are concerned about children who show classic signs of shyness: children who don't have friends, play alone, avoid joining groups or speaking out in class. If in addition, a child shows other kinds of timidity — fearfulness of dogs or heights, fastidiousness about unfamiliar foods — Kagan says that youngster is probably temperamentally inclined to be shy. If on the other hand, a child is timid with people, but quite adventurous in other ways, she is probably not temperamentally predisposed to shyness, but instead, coping with some environmental stress.
A Shy Temperament
Having a shy temperament doesn't make lifelong shyness inevitable, but it helps to know that some children are born with a predisposition to be shy, just as others have a predisposition toward becoming hyperactive or relaxed. That doesn't make these traits inescapable. But if a child who is predisposed to be shy lives either in an environment where there is a lot of adult discord and fighting, or in a very overprotective environment, shyness is quite likely to develop.
Such a temperamental bias toward shyness is not rare. Ten to fifteen out of every hundred kids are born with it; but only two of them will still be noticeably shy by adolescence. Most whose shyness is based on temperament do show shyness in their earliest months, up to at least the age of two. Shyness based primarily on life experience, on the other hand, doesn't typically show up until age 5 or 6.
It helps for parents to know the basis of their child's shyness because temperamental shyness is a difficult trait to change. Guiding innately shy children requires great patience. Providing a calm, affectionate, predictable, yet moderately demanding and encouraging home and school life can help to ease their reticence, but it is slower going. Rarely can you entirely reverse a child's genuinely shy temperament. Even though their social circles do widen, some children will continue to feel shy inside.
That doesn't mean they can't be very successful in all areas of life. Parents and teachers should understand, though, and be patient. Time, growth, and experience will help many of these children to feel at home in groups, but it is wise to begin with small groups — of 2 or 3. A teacher and parent working together can plan a strategy of pairing a child with one other child, and only gradually increase the size of groups in which she works and plays. Let her select one playmate at a time to visit after school or on weekends. If there are stresses in her life, do whatever you can to ease those, and don't hesitate to seek help for family problems that could be contributing.
Environmental Shyness
Shyness brought on by stress can be more readily relieved — by eliminating the source of stress. For example, if by working with your child's teachers, you discover that bullying by older children has created his current timidity, the matter can be more readily rectified. There are many environmental (as opposed to temperamental) bases for shy behavior. If a child is thrust into a new neighborhood and school from a different society or social class, maybe even a different language environment, of course he very likely to be socially cautious.
But being shy because one has just recently arrived from Guatemala calls for a different response from one directed toward a temperamentally shy child. Adults can use many strategies, at school and at home, to boost the social confidence of children who feel uncertain about how to fit in. Teachers (working with parents) can do a lot for these children by giving them realistic responsibilities that offer opportunities for success.
One more essential point: occasionally parents are troubled by any signs of shyness in their children because such signs remind these parents of their own early timidity. Chances are such parental concerns are exaggerated by heightened sensitivity. Have faith in your child, as you should in yourself. Take a good look at how far you have come, and use the facts about your own achievements to help your child accept himself. Share some feelings and memories to help your child feel less alone, better understood, and more hopeful about growing increasingly at ease socially.
Adele M. Brodkin, Ph.D., is a psychologist, consultant, and author of many books, including Fresh Approaches to Working With Problematic Behavior and Raising Happy and Successful Kids: A Guide for Parents. In addition, she has written and produced award-winning educational videos.
