Confidence Boosters for Grade Schoolers
Eight ways to help your child succeed in upper elementary school
Your love and support helps your child feel and be successful.
As kids move from grade to grade, they encounter myriad changes large and small. There will be new teachers to meet and perhaps new classmates, which can be intimidating. There is a new schedule to adjust to, along with an increasing and more difficult workload. To handle these changes with ease, children call upon a host of critical life skills. That’s where you come in. By recognizing the transition times that can be tricky, you can help your child hone the skills she needs to thrive.
Upper Elementary Challenges
By the 4th and 5th grade your child is expected to have consolidated her reading, writing, and information gathering skills. Developmental differences – academically, physically, and socially — are readily apparent, especially if kids are grouped by ability in school. Self-esteem can take a nosedive, particularly in girls, affecting academic performance. If your child lacks confidence, you may notice that she procrastinates getting started, or “forgets” to do an assignment. At the same time, social issues and peer pressure kick in. This is the age of cliques and bullies. Whether your child is in the "in" or the "out" crowd (which can shift on a daily basis!), she needs to know how to stand up to put-downs as well as how to treat others with respect. Fortunately, your support and guidance can help your child through these potentially rocky times.
What your child needs most:
- A reality check. Kids this age think that one failure is a life sentence and the bad feelings they have will last forever. Help your child put self-criticism into perspective by reminding him of the progress he’s made. Show him how to re-frame negative thoughts to emphasize the positive. Instead of: "I messed up the math test …I’m never going to do well…I’m dumb," substitute “Okay, I didn’t do well on this test. I’ll talk to the teacher to see where I can improve. Next time, I’ll be better prepared.”
- Encouragement to try new things. Kids need to sample a lot of things to find out who they are, what they like, and where they want to focus their energies. But at this age, they may be afraid to try if they don't think they'll do well. A child may refuse to try out for the soccer team because he’s convinced that “everyone” at school is so much better than he is. How can she possibly audition for the school play when Samantha and Courtney are trying out, and the entire grade knows what great singers they are? You can’t force your child to tip her toe in the water of something new, but you can remind her of her strengths and the times when she thought she couldn’t do something, but finally did.
- A safe place to express opinions. Knowing how to communicate effectively takes practice. What better place for your child to do that than the security of his own home? Include your child in family discussions at the dinner table, in the car, while watching the news. Talk about what’s happening in the world and solicit his opinion: For example, if he could vote, who would he have supported in the last presidential election? Why? If your child feels comfortable articulating ideas with you, chances are he’ll feel confident participating in classroom discussions.
- Praise for the effort, not the grade. Complimenting kids for being smart may seem like a no-brainer, but it can actually backfire. If your goal is to enhance competence, compliment the effort and progress made, not the performance. Kids who are told, “I can see you worked hard,” tend to seek out more challenging tasks. In the same vein, remind your child that she didn’t get a good grade on her book report because she was lucky. She got the good grade because she put time and energy into the paper — and deserves it!
- Support from the sidelines. We all want our kids to be winners, but the reality is, stuff happens. Maybe last week’s best friend doesn’t want to sit with him in the cafeteria any more…or he didn’t make the baseball team… or he’s overwhelmed by the new math unit and thinks he’s dumb. “While every parent wants to wash away a child’s pain, jumping in before he has time to muddle through on his own sends the message that you don’t think he can handle this and maybe other problems,” notes Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Temple University and author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting (Simon & Schuster). What you can do is listen without dismissing his feelings, and empathize without being overly solicitous. If it feels right, throw in a dash of humor to lighten the mood. The more questions you pepper him with and the more concerned you appear, the more unnerved he’ll feel. (Kids think: “Gee, if mom is that worried, this must really be serious.”) And if you rush in to fix every problem, he’ll never know that he can pull himself up when he’s down.
- The chance to problem-solve. Action is the best antidote for feeling helpless. The child who thinks she has choices feels less scared and stuck. Give your child the opportunity to practice solving problems outside of school, and she’ll be better equipped to handle them inside. For instance, when a fight erupts with a sibling, challenge her to think of different ways to resolve the conflict. Keep the conversation going by responding, “That’s a good idea. Got any others?”
- A nudge in the right direction. If your child shows signs of being a procrastinator, you will want to help him face it head on. Kids often put off doing things because they’re afraid they’ll do it wrong. Simply getting started is often the hardest part, so show your child how to structure his time by setting small, reachable goals. A book report is due in three weeks? Help him pencil each step into a plan book: Library research, making note cards, writing the outline, etc. If he can't stop staring at a blank page once it's time to write, suggest that he put down any thoughts that come to mind, even if they seem off-base. The process of writing ideas can generate new ones, and putting something on the page gives him a starting point. Meanwhile, consult with his teacher or guidance counselor to make sure his study and organization skills are solid.
- Parents to count on. Not every child gets an A in conduct. Maybe she has a personality conflict with the teacher or is aggressive with other children on the playground. The trouble is that parents often find out about discipline problems late in the game. That's why it's important to stay alert to any difficulties. The moment you hear about an issue, get in touch with the school to set up a meeting. Keep an open mind and don’t immediately assume that your child is in the wrong. “Kids who know they can count on their parents to listen and be there for them are more motivated academically than those who don’t,” says Dr. Steinberg. "Showing genuine interest in and respect for what a child does in school are probably the most important steps parents can take." Taking the time to listen will also make it easier for your child to open up before a small problem with a teacher or classmate becomes a big one.
