The Importance of Friends
Finding a best pal is part of the 3rd grade social whirl.
It was supposed to be fun. Two girls with birthdays just days apart, throwing a joint party. But by the 3rd grade, children feel entitled to have a choice about who they invite to their parties. For my daughter, Ryan — one of the birthday girls — issuing invitations turned into a moral dilemma.
In child development speak, Ryan has what's known as a controversial friend — let's call her Rachel. The definition: a child who is well-liked by some, and strongly disliked by others. The problem is that although Rachel likes Ryan and Ryan likes Rachel, no one else in the 3rd grade wants to be around Rachel.
But like the cheese that stands alone at the end of The Farmer in the Dell, Ryan is solitary in this friendship and deeply conflicted about it. In Ryan's nearly 9-year-old mind, it wouldn't be right not to invite Rachel to her party. But my daughter worried that if Rachel attended, no one else would.
After weeks of feeling torn, my oldest child made an agonizing decision — not to invite Rachel. The party went on in a modified fashion. Ryan attended what was to be her birthday party as a guest rather than as a guest of honor. Perhaps she figured that if she didn't have a party, she didn't have a problem.
The Power of Selection
Boy Versus Girl Friends
When Pals Feud
The Power of Selection
In 3rd grade, friendships among boys and girls take on greater importance. Between the ages of 8 and 9, children start acquiring new emotional and cognitive skills and see their peers in a different light. "Younger children play with whoever's available," says Kerrie Laguna, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at Lebanon Valley College in Annville, Pennsylvania. "And it's often a matter of geography — whoever lives closest. Older children become more selective. They see that their classmates have different personalities and realize they don't like everyone they know."
This distinction results in a lot of social stress, and finding a best friend is a typical elementary-school strategy for dealing with it. Child development experts agree that close friendships can be good for children for a number of reasons. They can provide shelter and protection from traumatic childhood experiences, teasing and rejection among them. They can help boys and girls navigate their way through the social minefields that exist at school. Still, having a best friend at this age doesn't necessarily insure smooth sailing. "A good buddy — the logic goes — will offer the same protection and loyalty as your mom," says Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author of Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems (Ballantine). "But they don't, and that realization can be hurtful. Friendships go up and down and negotiating and maintaining them can be tricky when you're 8."
Of course, not every child ends up with a best buddy, and the number of friends your child has depends on his or her temperament. Some children are more suited to having one close friend or a small circle of chums, while others prefer the company of many.
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Boy Versus Girl Friends
On the surface, girls seem more consumed with friendship. They want a group in which they feel comfortable, and some actively seek it out. In my daughter's 3rd grade class, talk of who is best friends with whom is a hot topic. "For girls, who they associate with establishes them socially," says Thompson. "Girls want to be socially well-equipped and are more concerned about social ties."
For boys, the approach is different. "Boys have best friendships, of course, they just don't talk about them as much," Thompson explains. Boys learn early on that they aren't supposed to get too chummy; that having a best friend is considered a feminine thing. "They don't advertise their friendships the way girls do, because they fear being teased about it," adds Thompson. "Most 3rd graders know the word 'gay,' and the boys know they don't want to be viewed that way."
Friendships are more action-oriented with boys, adds Mary Pat McCartney, elementary-level vice president of the American School Counselors Association. "Girls take things personally. With boys it's more cut and dried. For example, two boys might decide they want to shoot hoops together and bingo, they're friends."
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When Pals Feud
When conflicts arise — and they will — it can be hard to watch your child sort through them. Laguna cautions parents not to get overly involved. "Remember, conflicts are new territory for 8 and 9 year olds," she says. "It takes a while to figure out what to do when there's a problem, and they're going to mess up a lot."
Keep in mind that getting their feelings hurt and making mistakes is all part of the learning process. At the large elementary school in Virginia where McCartney works as a school counselor, children learn how to shield themselves from name-calling and teasing. "We tell them to think about what's being said and consider if it's true," McCartney explains. Learning not to let the comments sink in helps. In addition, children are taught how to ignore a peer who is bothering them. "It turns out that a lot of kids don't know what the word 'ignore' means. I define it for them, and explain that ignoring someone — pretending they're not there — requires some effort. Not seeing them, not hearing them, not responding to them can be hard, but it usually works."
At home, parents can help by reiterating what it means to be a friend. "Talk to your children about friendship," recommends Kerrie Laguna. "When problems arise, give them strategies that worked for you. They'll eventually draw on the resources you've given them."
In the end, all three experts note that the connection between two people almost always triumphs over the inevitable conflicts. Think of the countless adult friendships that began in elementary school. Sometimes the relationships that are solidified early on can last the longest!
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