Paging All Parents
To stay in touch and on top of what's happening in middle school, parents need to try new tactics.
When her two daughters were little, Laurie Nagin, a marketing consultant in New York City, was determined to be involved in their education. So she did what moms traditionally do: she dutifully baked cupcakes for classroom birthday celebrations, volunteered as a class parent, and accepted every invitation for school events. But once the girls entered middle school, she found the welcome mat wasn't always out.
"Being involved looked a lot different in middle school than it did earlier," says Nagin. "Instead of focusing on my daughters' particular classroom activities, which the teachers really didn't need anymore, I started to be more involved with things that would benefit the whole school." Community service activities like starting a book drive and raising money for the performing arts — things that cash-strapped schools desperately need — became her focus.
But Nagin is in the minority. Though parents insist that they want to be involved in their children's education, experts note a precipitous drop in parental involvement once a child enters middle school. Yet that's precisely the time when they should be around more, not less.
"Middle school is challenging — academically, socially, and emotionally," says Kimberly Williams, Psy.D., a neuro-psychologist at the NYU Child Study Center in New York. "But a significant body of research shows that students do better in every way when their parents — or, for that matter, any significant adult in their lives — are engaged in their education." Parental involvement, she notes, is also a buffer against depression, alcohol and substance abuse, and eating disorders.
"Nothing sends a more powerful message about the importance of school than the sight of a parent and teacher working together," says family therapist Anne Rambo, Ph.D., author of I Know My Child Can Do Better. If a child sees that, despite myriad pressures and demands, you value education enough to show up at the science fair, he'll place a higher value on it too. Your interest motivates your child to do better.
Why the Pullback?
For many parents, time is the culprit. "Those who stopped working when their kids were born may no longer be able to afford that luxury," says Eileen Kugler, author of Debunking the Middle Class Myth: Why Diverse Schools Are Good for All Kids. "If you have to be at the office, you can't be backstage at the school play at the same time."
What's more, some, especially if they have a younger child still at home, may breathe a sigh of relief that an older sib is more capable of fending for himself. Others mistakenly believe they should back off to teach children to be more independent — a message reinforced by a preteen who bans you from watching him play basketball and is mortified to discover that you've volunteered to supervise community service day.
"Kids this age are quick to sense an invasion of privacy," adds Dr. Williams. "They don't want teachers knowing too much about what happens at home, and they don't want you to stress about what goes on in school. They're torn: they want you involved; they just don't want to see or hear about you being involved."
Finally, middle school parents often feel like strangers in a strange land. "Schools in general prepare students for the next step in their education better than they prepare parents," says Anna Weselak, president of the National Parent-Teacher Association for 2005 to 2007. "They don't realize that there are many ways to stay involved."
To stay on top and in touch at school:
Broaden your definition. Ensuring that your child is ready to learn means more than attending a semester's worth of PTA meetings. "The transition to middle school can be confusing and overwhelming for kids," says Dr. Rambo. "With many new teachers, shifting classrooms, plus an increased workload, he'll need more support when it comes to organizing work and managing study time." Create an atmosphere at home that encourages learning: establish a predictable school-night routine; limit TV; make sure he's well rested. Jennifer Scott, a financial analyst in Loudon, Tennessee, found that scheduling a quiet activity for her son Matthew, 10, allowed her daughter Katie, 12, to concentrate on schoolwork, "and helped Matthew realize what he'd be facing soon enough." Let kids see you reading — books, newspapers, magazines. Carve out family reading time. You can read aloud (yes, even to your preteen) or have each person choose his own book. Listening to an audio-book while carpooling to hockey practice counts too.
Find out what the school needs — and do it. Stuffing mail folders, drafting notices, or shelving library books are tasks overburdened schools love to farm out to parents. At one school, parents set up and staff a homework hotline. At another, volunteers help translate a school newsletter and other notices from English into Spanish for parents new to the community. Some tasks you can do at home, working alongside your child as he does his homework.
Get the lay of the land early on. You'll annoy your preteen fast if she has to remind you, again, who she has for history or that assembly is first period every Wednesday. End the information embargo by attending back-to-school night each fall. Find out how teachers prefer to be contacted (telephone? email?); let them know how to reach you too. "The school Web site is a life-saver," says Scott. "It's a great way for me to get quick answers to questions without taking up too much of a teacher's time — or my time!"
In some schools, teachers post assignments on online. The Scarsdale Middle School PTA in suburban New York City even posts podcasts of its meetings. In some districts, school board meetings are televised.
Organize parent socials. Many middle schoolers get to school by themselves, so you have fewer serendipitous opportunities to meet other parents. Help everyone network by planning casual get-togethers throughout the year. Nothing fancy: potluck or cheese and crackers. Invite the school principal, coaches, art and music teacher. You just may find out about after-school classes, meetings or special events that your shy/forgetful/distracted 6th grader forgot to mention.
Create a school-wide calendar. School plays, baseball games, chess tournaments, multicultural night, midterms — there's a lot going on in middle school and it's hard for everyone to keep up. If your school doesn't have one already, organize a committee to coordinate schedules from every department for a master calendar. Distribute it far and wide, online and on paper.
Consult your kid. At the beginning of the year, jot school events in your date book and discuss which ones your child wants you to attend. If he's apoplectic at the thought of you sitting in the bleachers and cheering wildly, tell him you'll stand quietly in the back of the gym. If you're dying to chaperone a trip to the art museum, take charge of another section, not his. At dinner, you can share your impressions.
"I often found that working at school on an activity that had nothing to do with my own kids allowed me to catch a glimpse of their world without them feeling I was on top of them," says Nagin. "They might have been too cool to show it, but I think they were really excited to see me there."
Share your skills. Maybe you can't make it to PTA meetings. Or maybe you're turned off by the hard-charging parents who dominate every committee. You can still provide invaluable help by using your interests and expertise to supplement what students are learning. Offer to talk about what you do for a living, an interesting place you've visited, or your passion for pottery. Photography buff? Snap shots of school plays or sports. Engineer? Mentor a child who's having trouble with her science fair project. Computer experts can create or maintain the school Web site or volunteer time in the computer lab. The point is to be present — in whatever way you can.
