Siblings at School

Having the same teacher as an older sib may have complications, but there are big benefits too. Help your child handle following in his big brother's or sister's footsteps at school.

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Work with older children and teachers to help little sibs succeed at school.

The comparison will most likely happen on the first or second day of class. "Are you Sam's brother? He was a great reader!" or, conversely, "You're not Tammy's sister, are you? She was a handful." Chances are good that your child's teacher will mention his experience with an older sibling. Most remarks will be professional, such as asking who the elder child's new teacher is, or commenting on that child's special hobby. Still, younger siblings often can't escape feeling like they're second fiddle.

With a bit of forethought, and good communication, you can build a successful partnership between your younger child and a teacher. You and your older child can even help strengthen your youngster's teacher transition. Here's how.

1. Acknowledge assets. If you suspect problems, contact the teacher during the first week of school. You are in a position to discuss your child's positives, such as reading, math, or social strengths. "Being open-minded and working with a teacher is a proactive way to address issues, either real or anticipated," says Marilyn Wilson, Ph.D., a school psychologist and professor of psychology at California State University in Fresno. "Mostly, it's a parent who has perceptions that a child will not adjust to a teacher, rather than the other way around." Wilson says parents and the teacher should acknowledge a child's differences, and work together to make it the best year yet.
   
   
2. Wait and see. Wilson says this approach is likely the best tack when parents have previous experience with a teacher but don't think the match will work for the younger child. "It's better to go into a situation without judging. In 20 years as a school psychologist, I never encountered a student who suffered from having the same teacher as an older sibling," she says, even when the teacher may have set expectations or unconsciously made judgments. But usually the only problem is calling a younger student by the older student's name. 
   
   
3. Build on prior experiences. Unlike my daughter's 20- and 30-something aged preschool and kindergarten teachers, her 1st grade teacher had a grandmotherly quality. She also had a booming voice and a no-nonsense classroom management style. My daughter thought that these characteristics meant she was also a demanding teacher. So she asked her older brother, who had the same teacher two years before. His counsel? "She seems tough at first, but she's funny and really nice when you get to know her." That guidance provided a foundation for a successful 1st grade year for my daughter. It was also added comfort when her brother's take turned out to be right. "It made school easier for me. I felt that I had advantages over other kids in the class," she says.
   
   
4. Tackle comparisons head-on. A friend of mine remembers anguishing during his early school years because his brother, older by one year, was an ideal student. The elder boy never studied for tests but always got As and was also an excellent artist. "It was a small school, so we always had the same teacher. I was an average student and felt doomed when the teacher would enthusiastically say, 'I had your brother last year!'" he says. Discuss with your child how comparisons may be a reality of school life. Then find ways to strengthen a younger child's interests. If an older child thrives in art class, and a younger sibling lives for science class, find a way to involve yourself as a science class volunteer. This will support the younger child's interests and help him gain recognition with peers and the teacher.
   
   
5. Help kids team up. If your older child has a strong rivalry with his or her younger sibling, differences at school can get sticky, especially if the older child has negative feelings toward the teacher. As a parent, you can help your children work together to make the year successful. Maybe the older student can coach the younger one through a project. Or the older student can recount special field trips or events the class participated in, giving the school experience a positive slant.
   
   
6. Hit the books. Kids with siblings may want to read the Ramona series books by Beverly Cleary. Parents may want to read The Essential Conversation: What Parents and Teachers Can Learn from Each Other by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot.

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