Stretching the Truth
Why tweens are tempted to lie and how to handle it
Eleven-year-old Ben told his mother that band practice had been cancelled. But the following week, she found out that Ben had been given extra work for goofing off in class and had to miss band practice to finish it. She was upset that her son had lied to her.
Why Lie?
Tweens deal with a variety of new situations, some of which require risk-taking. They may find themselves juggling conflicting loyalties between a parent and friends or deciding between getting into trouble or lying to fit in.
When you confront your tween about his story, he’ll probably resist, declaring that it’s “none of your business.” This is fairly typical. It’s more worrying when tweens bluntly deny something to evade personal responsibility or make false claims to divert suspicion.
As your tween spends more time with friends, it’s important that you help him learn to be truthful. When he is, you can be more relaxed about giving him greater freedom, knowing he’ll be forthright about difficult situations. Expect greater honesty and openness as he becomes more able to understand the moral value of truth, but don’t expect perfection—“stretching the truth” may still occur, with boys in particular.
The Importance of Truth
While you can empathize with your tween’s dilemmas—understanding how badly he wanted to score better in the test or wanted to protect his friend—letting him get away with too much can blur the boundaries of truth that he’s beginning to explore. It’s important to spell out the benefits of being honest and trustworthy. The tween period is a key stage for developing moral awareness, so it’s particularly important for your child to be held responsible for his behavior. Try these house rules:
Treat the truth as precious. Be honest with your child. Don’t distort explanations for convenience.Make it safe to tell the truth. If she owns up quickly, thank her for her honesty. Don’t punish harshly, as it could encourage deceit. Ask her to suggest an appropriate consequence so that she accepts and assesses her error.
Try to get to the bottom of why he finds it hard to be straight with you, then address the underlying cause directly. Nonetheless, be adamant that fibbing is neither appropriate nor necessary.
Preserve her autonomy and self-esteem. Tweens sometimes lie as payback if they feel controlled, humiliated, or ignored. Give her a chance to act like a responsible adult by treating her like one.
