The Persuasive Power of Listening
In the midst of debate, fewer and better-chosen words accomplish more.
You and a colleague are arguing about whether a particular employee needs to be put on probation. You think yes-and have made your case eloquently. But you are hardly painting on a blank canvas. The person you're arguing with has his own views, experiences, and emotions. No matter how strong your argument, the other person's attention is divided-between your words and his own "internal voice."
It's a battle. As you set out your thinking, your colleague's internal voice might be saying, "Well, here's what you don't realize ... " or "I can't wait to explain to you all the reasons you're wrong." To win this debate, you can either turn up your voice, or help the other person turn down his internal voice-the latter often being the more powerful. Here's how to do it.
Listen first. Let the other person talk and give his internal voice the attention it craves. By drawing out what's in his head early in the conversation, you help clear out space for him to listen to you. He's not focused on what he's going to say-because he has already said it.
Inquire. Listening, of course, is more than just "letting them say their piece." Ask questions such as "How long have you felt this way?" "What is your biggest concern?" Drill down a few layers to help get at what's really going on.
Acknowledge Emotions. Strong feelings can really pump up the volume on an internal voice, making it impossible for your message to sink in. Help the other person turn that volume down by offering acknowledgment: "So you've been feeling like I haven't fully appreciated the work you've already done in mentoring this person." Once he's convinced that you understand how he's feeling, it's easier for him to take in your point of view.
Be Authentic. If your colleague senses you're listening as a matter of protocol, nothing gets accomplished. Only say you care if you mean it. Only inquire if you're genuinely interested in learning how the other person sees it. And if you want to gain the persuasive benefits of listening, you have to be open to persuasion yourself.
Douglas Stone is a lecturer at Harvard Law School and coauthor of Real College: The Essential Guide to Student Life (Penguin, 2004), a book of "life advice" for students, parents, and administrators.
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