Difficulty Separating
Q: We moved to a new town a year ago and my three-year-old son started a new half-day preschool program a few months ago. He has had a very hard time adjusting to the change. He still cries when I leave him each morning, although the teachers say his crying only lasts a few minutes after I leave. My son will start full-day kindergarten next fall and I am worried about how that will go. Any suggestions?
A: Each child separates at a different pace. You can help a great deal by allowing your son to set the speed. Rather than concentrating on getting him ready for even longer separations next year, I would advise stepping back your expectations until your son feels more comfortable with the current program.
Specifically, spend some time sitting on the sidelines in his classroom. Of course, that requires the enthusiastic agreement of the teachers. Many preschool programs do encourage this gradual separation of parents and children.
Instead of dropping your son off, plan to stay for the entire session. (If this isn't possible, recruit a close relative or caregiver, with whom your son feels very secure, to stand in for you.) After a week or two of this, your son may be ready to have you leave for an hour. Come back exactly when you said you would.
As he seems ready, move out of the classroom. Say good-bye — don't slip out — and return on time to pick him up. Similarly, if he goes to play at a friend's house, stay there until he is comfortable. Ask him to tell you when he would like you to leave the room to talk to his friend's mom. If it is a friend whom he has visited several times before, you may find it less necessary to stay. Be sure, though, that your boy knows where the bathroom is and how to find the adult in charge. Keep the visit brief.
If you return (to preschool or a play date) to pick up your son even before he is ready to leave, he will become more and more comfortable separating. There is nothing at all unusual about his reluctance to be in unfamiliar places with unfamiliar people. Give it time and be sure to let him know how proud you are of his growing independence.
Adele M. Brodkin, Ph.D., is a psychologist, consultant, and author of many books, including Fresh Approaches to Working With Problematic Behavior and Raising Happy and Successful Kids: A Guide for Parents. In addition, she has written and produced award-winning educational videos.
