End-of-Day Meltdowns
Q: My 3-year-old has been going to child care for several months. He is happy to go, and according to the caregiver, he is cooperative, plays well, and follows directions. But when I arrive at pickup time, he gets wild, won't listen to me or the caregiver, pushes other kids, and is just hard to handle for at least an hour or so after we leave. The caregiver says this happens with many children reuniting with their parents. Why, and what can we do about it?
A: There are many possible explanations for this very common pattern. Your son is on his best behavior when he's away from family. He senses that while you will love him no matter what, approval and acceptance are more likely to be conditional away from home. So he wisely inhibits any inclination to ignore rules until he feels completely safe again in your presence.
He also may be at least a bit angry about the daily separations. Children feel powerless when decisions about where they will spend their day are made for them, rather than by them. Of course, this is the way it must be; but feeling out of control may incite your son to protest by acting up when you two are safely reunited.
There are a few things I can suggest, but be patient; they won't work immediately.
• Make a gradual transition back to being with you. In other words, don't dash in the door, scoop him up, and rush to the store or home to begin the next part of your long day. Instead, invest a few minutes in playing with your son at child care, getting down on the floor, seeing the things he has done, meeting his friends, etc.
• At home, take at least 15 minutes to play with your son. Let dinner and other chores wait until he is settled down and can either help you with the cooking or play and chat nearby.
• Show empathy for whatever he may say about his day or for his reluctance to say anything at all.
• Give him appropriate opportunities to make choices (milk vs. juice, which toy to use, which bedtime story to read), so that he can feel he has some say about his own life.
Adele M. Brodkin, Ph.D., is a psychologist, consultant, and author of many books, including Fresh Approaches to Working With Problematic Behavior and Raising Happy and Successful Kids: A Guide for Parents. In addition, she has written and produced award-winning educational videos.
